


10 Feet Tall

by vocalfew



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Fluff, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-18 10:18:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18118811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vocalfew/pseuds/vocalfew
Summary: I wanna be 10 feet tallI wanna grow big red hornsFingers covered in thornsThat pierce everything.I wanna be 10 feet tall,I wanna eat fire and snowI wanna scare everyone.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> HEY.  
> Before you start reading, I want to reiterate that this fic deals with abuse.
> 
> As someone who has previously only dealt with emotional abuse, I could never fully or properly cover what it's like to be physically hurt by a s/o. Please no bulli. 
> 
> Only creative criticism here.
> 
> ALSO. My main point was that I don't wanna trigger anyone who has dealt/is dealing with these issues, as it'll be covered throughout the story. 
> 
> Thanks.

Today felt different. Today felt new. It was no longer like there was a wrong side of the bed, not today. Ryan was still at work, Peaches didn't miss her litterbox this time. Everything was good.

Until, of course, I got a text.

To most people, a text was a text. It was a message you got from anyone, asking to hang out. It was a tiny reminder that someone out there knew you still existed and cared enough to check in.  
  
For me, it was a sinking feeling.   
It was the feeling you got right before the drop of a rollercoaster. You start to perspire a little, and you know that your experience this entire ride, this one drop all depends on the handiwork of the dudes who put together this death trap. It could derail, the bars could decide to malfunction and spring right back up, ultimately sending you straight out of your cart.

Slowly, I picked up my phone after checking both ways, something that I've trained myself to do to make sure that I wasn't being peeked at.

**_Hey, the fair is in town! :)_ **

_Oh, that's right, it's March._   
  
**_We haven't hung out in a while. You & ur bf wanna come with?_ **   
  
_Uh..._   
  
**_Pleeeaaaaase I managed to grab like 3 other people! You obv haven't met them but you'll get along._ **

I set down my phone face down, and let out a shaky breath.   
Asking Ryan for anything was like trying to climb a rock wall with no footholds.

I've turned down enough plans with my only friend in town, she probably thinks I'm trying to avoid her at this point. God bless her for her persistence, though. 

It wasn't like I didn't want to hang out, it was just...  
  
 ** _You can bring anyone you want with you too!_**

**_Plsplsplsplspls!!!!!_ **

A sudden spark started in my gut.

I knew if I said nothing to Ryan, I would be homeless within the same night. Maybe he would call the cops or gather a search party of police dogs. Or maybe, he'd just slap me on the wrist and let me off with a warning.. The search dogs and I both knew that was wishful thinking. 

How freeing I knew it'd feel if I just _WENT_ , without having to warn him days or even weeks in advance. It usually took him that long to come around to doing anything, and even then, he still never enjoyed himself. Most of the time I knew it was on purpose.

Going anywhere with Ryan anyway was a chore.

I reached out to pick my phone up but paused. Biting my lip, I could almost feel the red hot sensation starting on the side of my face. It took me a moment to realized that I was completely tensed, and already trembling from the thought alone. 

Regardless, the little voice inside of me screamed. 

_GO BE HUMAN._

So I listened. 

Fuck the repercussions. I have the upper hand, and he knew it. One little phone call made me untouchable. I would have it at the ready if he threatened anything. I would be prepared this time. 

_I'll see you there._


	2. Chapter 2

The busses only ran every two hours in this God-forsaken town, so my planning had to be precise. I got ready, I got SO goddamn ready. It was hard not to be excited, I had pumped myself up for an hour and a half and stared myself in the mirror for longer than I usually did (which was only a few seconds at the most). It felt good.

The bus ride there was sub-par, it was better than any other public transit I've taken before. The whole fifteen minutes of the ride consisted of me trying to beat Mario on my GBA, and checking every so often to make sure Ryan hadn't secretly found out about my plan and snuck himself on ten stops before me.

_Chill, Leyla. You're not being followed._

The woman across from me, however, had been the sketchiest 80-year-old I've ever laid eyes on. Her hooded eyes scanned me every so often before looking back down the aisle. She had her cane at the ready, double fisting it in case of a nearby purse thief perhaps, and her scowl was the most offensive thing about her. With one glance in her direction, I was ready to fall onto the dirty bus floor andapologizee for even staring at her the wrong way. It felt wrong like she could read my thoughts.

Maybe, just maybe, she was a government spy. Maybe I could tell her my troubles and she would soften up, and let me live in her house with her 50 cats and deaf husband. Maybe she would rip off her disguise and say, "oh, honey, here's the keys to my old beat up Toyota, $700, and a new identity. Get the hell outta dodge, and stay the fuck away from that boy."

I was nearly hyperventilating at my stop. Thinking that somehow, Ryan was everywhere. Ryan knew.   
You couldn't be an overprotective boyfriend without bugging your girlfriend's phone with a fucking tracking device, which is why, before I left, I stowed it away in the vent and left that motherfucker on silent.

I was safe, I was fine. I was going to meet Millie and her friends at the entrance, and she would have already paid my way in.

And just like we planned, there she was. Her face lit up when she saw me, her hair as purple as ever. She was always so excited to see everyone, like a lost puppy. I told her to her face that if ever faced with the threat of a zombie apocalypse, she would die first for wanting to properly give the undead dude a warm welcome. Next to her was two other guys and a girl, one with frizzy white hair and two handfuls of rings, and the other with a forehead bigger than my dreams. The one other girl had black hair, blue eyes, and was more interested in trying to stick a flower forehead boy's hair.

"Hey cutie! God, I haven't seen you in forever. You look so different!"

I froze. Different? Different how? I wasn't ugly back then, was I? Or was I prettier when we last hung out? I know I had permanent bags under my eyes, but that wouldn't really change my appearance.

"Much quieter too." She laughed, jabbing a thumb over her shoulder.

"This is Jaren, that's John, and that's Amy. Guys, this is Leyla. She's my baby friend."

" _Baby friend?_ " John spoke up.

"She means-- we've been friends since we were toddlers. I don't know why she says baby friend."

Millie took offense to this. "It sounds cuter!"

"Yes, but that's not what people think of when you say _'baby friend'_ , Mills."

She let out a soft huff through her nose.

"Let's just get inside already. Here's your ticket."

She handed me a tiny slip of yellow paper that I stuck in my pocket. For a while, I had forgotten all about you-know-who, until it came time to pull out my phone for a photo of Millie and me.

There was no hesitation before she whipped hers out and we all smushed together to get into frame. Jaren and Amy kept ruining the photos by moving and then demanding that she retake it, so we all spent a solid ten minutes trying to get one good photo.

The rides were terrifying and wonderful, all five of us decided on paying for poorly made airbrush "henna". John got the 'ohm' symbol on his forehead (after begging the poor woman for an eternity, he even bribed her with $30 extra, which she took.) Jaren got a smiley face, Amy got an intricate pattern down her arm, and Millie spent 20 bucks on a whole wrist piece.

It was my turn.

I had makeup caking both arms, so it wouldn't stick, and I might as well have spent money for someone to draw on me with a washable marker.  
But I did it anyway for the experience.

After a few hours, all of us were spent. Our legs ached, we were full of gross, greasy food, and made dizzy by the awful, vomit-inducing spinny rides.

I could imagine how many texts I've gotten from Ryan, probably already assuming I ran away or gone to the police.

Before we neared the car, I casually pulled Millie to the back of the group.   
"Hey, I took the bus here and I completely forgot that they stopped running after eight. Could I get dropped off at.." my voice trailed off as John belted out.

"Gross! Kissing is gross."

Jaren took a step back from Amy, who looked incredibly embarrassed.

Millie gave a knowing quick wink before turning back to the other three. "Grow up, John. You've probably never kissed a girl in your LIFE!"

He laughed it off and then shrugged, "I mean, you wanna be my first?"

"Yeah, hard pass bud." After retrieving her keys, she got in the driver's side while John, Jaren and I piled into the back. Amy sat in the front, quietly conversing with Millie while J² (which was what the girls called them) howled loudly over them with laughter and various banter.

Considering that my house was the closest, I was to get dropped off first.   
That would be nightmarish for everyone involved, especially if Ryan had gotten home before I had, which he usually did.

Maybe all of my stuff was moved onto the front porch already, maybe he found a new girlfriend that wouldn't run away from him.

I could only hope.

As we pulled into the lot, I swallowed thickly. It was a few moments before anyone spoke up.

"You... Gonna get out?" John asked quietly. I shut my eyes and prayed to disappear.

_I don't want to go. Please don't make me go._

It was then, that I forgot. I no longer had the upper hand. My phone was in the vent, I didn't have the button to press. I was helpless.

Maybe I could confess right now. Maybe I could just drop all of my baggage on everyone in the car after a good night out.   
Of course, I would be the one to ruin it. It was always me.

"Yeah," I popped open the door and slid out, suddenly feeling like a doe being hunted. four pairs of eyes watched me. The air hung heavy and quiet, and I knew everyone could see the fear on my face now as I eased out into the dim lights of the apartment complex.

With one glance over, I saw the car in the driveway. He was definitely home.

A shudder ran through me before a millennium passed. I walked the walk of shame.

Pulling out my keys, I tried the locks.   
It was stuck. After a few more attempts, the key didn't budge. I pulled it out and came to the realization that he switched the locks.

"Not again..." I whispered to myself, feeling my eyes sting with tears. I inhaled deeply and knocked softly. Even though my first barely hit the door, it seemed to echo through the streets. I wanted to vanish. I wanted to melt into a puddle. I wish I was anywhere but here. I could sleep on the fairground floor for all I cared, I would snuggle up in the petting zoo and make friends with the goats and the cows. Anything but this.

One knock, no answer. Two knocks, no answer. Three knocks, still nothing.

I lifted my hand for the fourth time, but there was a sudden hand on my shoulder. My soul nearly escaped my body as I pictured Ryan standing right behind me, his fist tightened and ready to throw me through the door by my throat.

"Chill, chill. It's just me."

_John?_

He held out my army jacket in his hand, and I took it.   
Studying me for a moment, he spoke up.

"You left this in the car... You alright?"

"Me? Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just, y'know."

"Just tired, yeah. Me too. I had a lot of fun."

As if on cue, the door swung open, and there stood a whopping 6 whole feet of my impending doom.   
"And who are you, cutie?"

Ryan's eyes bore holes through my skull, and instantly, I stared down at my feet.   
I knew he was talking to John. I knew how this would end. This was how it always ended.  
I could duck under his arm and flee inside, or drag John away and tell Millie to floor it, to drive as far away as possible and never look back.   
  
"Oh, I'm John. Sorry we kept her for so long." he answered plainly, obviously not fully understanding Ryan's tone.

"We?" Ryan piped up, suddenly interested. He straightened his back and reached out swiftly to grab my wrist. I flinched.

"Yeah, I thought she... Told you..."

"No, she invites me to her gangbangs, unfortunately."

"We all just went to the fair, actually." John stepped back. I didn't move.

"Well that sounds like fun, Leyla, why didn't you invite me?" At this point, Ryan was practically wringing my wrist between his thumb and forefinger. I could feel it getting raw already.

"Dude, you're hurting her."

John, please. Please, _no._

"Don't tell me how the fuck to handle my woman, got it?" He grinned. John took a step forward. Ryan yanked me back.

"You're a fuckin dick, bro."

"I'm the dick? My girlfriend comes up to my doorstep with another guy and I'm the dick? Okay, buddy."

Millie cut off the conversation by jogging up to the door with Jaren and Amy.   
"What's going on?"

"Your little _friend_ is in big trouble for running away, that's what's going on."

"Ryan?" Amy nearly shouted. As soon as he caught sight of her, the sly grin dropped clean off of his face.

"Aw, look. Fuckin' family reunion over here. Why didn't you call me back?" He cooed.

"Let go of her unless you want a repeat of the last time we talked," she said sharply. Her stoic stance was enough to spark hope into me. This tipped the others off, it was like a telepathic alert that went off in everyone's heads.

_Ohhhh, he beats her._

Ryan dropped my hand harshly and turned towards me.   
"Get the fuck off of my porch, all of you."

John held out his arm in front of me and made sure I had fully turned back before they all led me back towards the car again.

As fast as she could, Millie started the car and backed out. Everyone was quiet.

For a long time, nobody spoke. Off of the highway, Millie pulled into an empty rest stop and turned the car off. The air hurt to breathe, and my wrist stung.

"How long has he been like that?"

Those were the seven magic words that opened the flood gates. I turned to lead and led out a heavy sob, my tears felt like thousand-pound weights that filled the car. and made the insides of my shoes all wet. All that was heard was crying. I sobbed and sobbed until I could hardly breathe and until the spot on the jacket was just snot and tears.

The gas station was still open and it was Amy's idea to go inside and get me a slushie with J². While they were gone, Millie pulled me up to the front seat.

"You've only been living here for a year and a half, Leyla, how long was this going on?"

"It wasn't as bad then, when he told me about the house," I sniffled and wiped my face on the cleaner sleeve of my jacket, "he convinced me to move in, and that's when..."

"That's when we lost touch." she finished.

"I'm sorry, he just-"

"Babygirl, you don't have to explain yourself to me. It's okay, I promise. I had my doubts about him from the get-go."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, honey. I love you, okay? We all got your back."

"I love you too. Thank you."

With a chaste kiss on my temple, the three were already back. John held a massive slushie cup, and both Jaren and Amy held grocery bags full of mystery items. As they piled in, I was gifted with a slushie and a lap full of junk food.

"You're not the only one that's been there with THAT, trust me." Amy said through fitting a stick of gum in her mouth, "it took me YEARS to stand up to him."

"How'd ya do it?" Millie asked, turning the car back on and backing out.

"I got swole as shit and gave him a taste of his own medicine. He's real fucking scared of me now, but I guess he didn't learn his lesson."

John let out a little 'ooh' of interest and reached over to squeeze her bicep. She flexed and kissed it.

"I was thinking," Millie chimed in, "how about we all stay at my place tonight and watch a bunch of shitty movies, maybe get drunk or something, erase what just happened back there." Everyone seemed to be in agreement with this idea, so we all headed back to her place to hang out.

She splayed out some of her biggest blankets and tossed every pillow that existed inside of her house into the living room. Amy put on a movie and we all sat back and shared a whole bottle of something hard that had a shitty label written in old English text. I didn't bother to ask, I just wanted it all.

Everyone was asleep before the movie even finished. I moved to pull one of the blankets over me, but the figure next to me moved. I almost forgot that John had made himself a blanket cocoon. He stretched his arms out and sat up, gazing around to see if anyone was awake or not.

"I didn't mean to wake you up," I whispered.

"Nah, it's okay. I was gonna get up anyway." Unraveling himself, he stood and headed towards the bathroom. I grabbed a free blanket and swaddled myself in it, then headed towards the back porch. I slid open the glass door as quietly as possible and stared out over the balcony.

Remembering that I still had my nano in my pocket, I popped my earphones in and hit play.

  
_I wanna be ten feet tall_   
_I wanna grow big red horns_   
_Fingers covered in thorns_   
_That pierce everything_

My eyes lingered along the late night traffic that passed. Maybe if I turned into Godzilla, no one would mess with me.

_I wanna be ten feet tall_   
_I wanna eat fire and snow_   
_I wanna scare everyone_

Part of me was glad that I hadn't been there alone. If I got dropped off last, there would have been no escape. I would have been caught in an endless cycle. I would have kept waking up scared. Walking on ice. Feeling tired of myself, tired of living, tired of who he made me.

_I want to collect swords_  
 _Stab my walls when I'm bored_  
 _Wear clothes made of old socks_  
 _Which are missing their pairs_  
  
Maybe I could learn to be happy again. He could keep all of my things, I could just live here. I don't ever want to go back, not even to collect my things. It wasn't like I had much anyway, Ryan made me throw out anything of significance to make room for his things.

_I wanna be ten feet tall_   
_I wanna eat fire and snow_   
_I wanna scare everyone_

I was a little surprised when the snowy-haired boy came up beside me and mocked my position.  
He stared down with me, hanging his arms over the edge.   
"Do you know about the call of the void?"

He turned to look at me slowly.

"Yeah, that's when you're like on the edge of a cliff and your brain tells you to jump right?"

"Kinda, yeah."

"Why, thinking of hanging from the balcony by your ankles?"

After letting out a laugh, I shook my head.

"I mean, now that the idea is there..." I trailed off, earning a laugh from him too. "The call of the void really only happens when you're in a potentially lethal situation," I started, "but sometimes people just wake up with it. They go through their day with it. They kiss their pets and hug their family with it."

"I'm guessing you're just one of those people."

"I keep telling myself that it was wrong to have fun tonight."

John went quiet.

"But then I just remember how much I've forgotten to be human without needing to ask permission first."

Peering farther over the edge, I was sure I alerted the pondering boy next to me.

Pulling out a loose earbud, I reached over and handed it to him. He replied by putting it into his ear.

  
_I wanna be ten feet tall_   
_I wanna grow big red horns_   
_Fingers covered in thorns_   
_That pierce everything_

"I'm glad you didn't answer the void or whatever."

_I wanna be ten feet tall_  
 _I wanna eat fire and snow_  
 _I wanna scare everyone_  
  
  
The last chord rang out and I studied the henna winding long my arm, and thinning out at my wrist where Ryan had grabbed me.  
  
"Yeah," I said, "me too."


End file.
